My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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