I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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