It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Randomize
