Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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