so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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