I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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