note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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