I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
