I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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