You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
