Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
