I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
