I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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