I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
