Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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