just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
