false alarm. still invincible.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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