He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
