how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize