Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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