I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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