he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
