meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
