she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
