I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
