Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
