Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
