so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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