I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
