i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Randomize
