someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Randomize
