Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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