Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize