Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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