The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
