My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I die, sorry about rent.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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