You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Sober January is a disaster.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
