dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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