I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
