Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize