I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
