Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
