this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
