Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
