Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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