Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
