I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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