somebody snuck up and got me drunk
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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