My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
