i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
