So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize