do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
