I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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