probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
