i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
