im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
