Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The adults are the big ones right?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
