My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The Olympian is in my bed
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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