Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
