Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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