rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize