Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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