omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
